Ten Songs Cerys CAN'T BLIMMIN WELL STAND!

Dead Pop Mag Society is all about spreading the joy of songs. The music we blimmin well love and want to share with you lovely lot. The positive go to guide for all things poppin’, lockin’ and polka dottin’ in the industry. We are very much the inspirational pop song from yer childhood that you keep going back to because it makes you feel all perky and positive and we wanna stay that way.  However, sometimes we can’t help ourselves when a certain song makes our skin crawl or our stummies sick. And that is what we’re talking about today. Inspired by a TikTok Ar Cez made the other day about her complete and utter HATRED for the genre “talentshowsobstorycore” (more on that later), here’s some tracks that she can’t BLIMMIN WELL STAND (this may as well read as a I hate Britain’s Got Talent post). 

1. This Is Me - The Greatest Showman (or in fact the entire soundtrack to the whole bloody film)

Oh baby. Where do I begin? Ok, let's start with the obvious. I hate- wait no- I hate musicals. HATE THEM. BURN THEM. Ok that’s a lie, I have a few exceptions, one of which being High School Musical because let's face it, was there a girl in the 2000s who wasn’t (and still isn’t) obsessed with this film and its subsequent (and quite honestly stellar) sequels? As a result I have never seen The Greatest Showman and have avoided the film like the plague since its release. The soundtrack alone is enough to put me off sitting down and watching the exploits of Hugh Jackman in his big hat with his bearded lady friend. Particularly the song 'This Is Me', which has since been milked to death on TV talent shows when a contestant overcomes adversity and as part of their act sings this spew-worthy song. This song is the exact definition of “Talentshowsobstorycore” and I want it GONE. BANNED. Anything that’s going to make Amanda Holden a snivelling wreck on my screen deserves to be blacklisted from telly like the Sex Pistols were from the BBC. 

2. Rise Up- Andra Day

Similarly we have 'Rise Up' by Andra Day. Who Andra Day is I still don’t quite know. I’m sure she is lovely, but she would be, anyone who sings a song called 'Rise Up' that’s meant to empower me is always going to be “lovely”. Unfortunately, her song doesn’t make me want to “Rise Up”. instead upon hearing it I want to fall down a flight of stairs, which I will have thrown myself down like Smithy attempted to in Gavin and Stacey. Though this song might have pushed me. The moral of the story is, if you’re gonna go on a TV talent show and sing a motivational and empowering song, S Club 7 have an entire back catalogue of ‘em, just make sure you have a bit of fun with it because currently yer sticking the “eral” in funeral. 

3. Dancing In The Sky- Dani and Lizzy

Speaking of Funerals- There’s a recurring theme here. Despite being a sentimental softie at heart, songs like this turn me into the most cynical, cold hearted bitch alive. I don’t know, maybe it's that I just can’t deal with my emotions and anything that's going to amplify them sends me into an inferno of awkwardness. You won’t know this ‘un by name but my god you will know it when you hear it. It’s that song that “Chloe🦋💍” will add to her insta story after her beloved Nanny Noreen dies, along with a photo holding their deathly pale hand. I am telling you, if I was someone’s dearly departed and they posted a pic of my cold dead hand to social media I would come back like Icarus and fucking batter them. 

cerys is shaking typing this

4. The Millennium Prayer- Cliff Richard

If you are a long time follower of the blog you will know of my inexplicable fear, or phobia- it has got to that point- of Cliff Richard. He is terrifying. Yes, yer nans fave Christian calendar “hunk” (shivers) and the man more formally known as Harry Webb does nothing but give me the heebie jeebies and I can’t help but feel like he did something to me in a past life. Look! Even his real name is pervy sounding! Since seeing the music video for 'Mistletoe & Wine' one magical Christmas as a child, this seemingly harmless and celibate old man has caused me, well, quite a bit of harm. Sorry Rik. Because of this, I could’ve picked any of his “songs” as it were, but my first thought has gone towards the pop horror that is the 1999 number 1, 'The Millennium Prayer'. Taking the words from The Lord's Prayer (that thing that gets bellowed at every church service in the history of church services) and putting it to a somewhat hopeful and holy sounding backing track to celebrate the year 2000, it is well regarded as one of the worst songs of all time and thank god Westlife stopped it getting to Christmas number 1. Always knew you could trust Irish lads- well, just not Barry Keoghan. 

5. A Thousand Years- Christina Perri

An absolute wet wipe of a tune.If 'Dancing In The Sky' is the soundtrack to “Chloe🦋💍” ‘s nans funeral, then this is the song that she’s going to walk down the aisle to, “Daddy” in arm with her beloved “Adam⚽️🔥” and his best men (or his “brothas”) at the altar. The boy might have done good if he’s promised you the Pandora ring you wanted, but my god “Chlo”, you didn’t with the song choice. It was a tie up between this and an Ed Sheeran track (you know the one). Because everyone and anyone who lacks creativity and originality like Chloe has Ed Sheeran at their wedding. However, after a snarky Facebook status threat from best friend “Amber💋” who had “that one” as her first dance (“cant have anything for myself anymore, trust no one🐍”), she went for this tearjerker from the Twilight soundtrack. I know I sound like I’m bullying here but she definitely treated the autistic kids like little pets in high school and asked them if she was their bezzie mate. 

6. Don’t Stop Believin’- Journey

Anyone who knows me knows I am a total 80s nut. I am an absolute (you know what's coming) SLAG for a synthesiser and I would quite honestly die for Duran Duran (cheers Mother). Unfortunately, whilst this decade might be considered (in my opinion and in many others) the greatest decade of pop music, some of it, admit it, was downright dreadful. The 80s was packed with power ballads performed by bands where all the blokes look like Rod Stewart on steroids who probably have very outdated views about women.And this ‘un, 'Don’t Stop Believin’, is by Journey, not the cast of Glee, as most my generation associate this song with. And my god, do they take you on a “journey”- one to hell quite possibly. If anything, this song makes me want to stop believin’. I think I’ll stick with Five telling me to 'Keep On Movin’ thanks. SEE, I DO LIKE INSPIRATIONAL CHEESE. 

7. The Final Countdown- Europe

I should like this lot, I really should. They’re Swedish. I like Swedish people. I like Sweden as a country too. I have actually been to Sweden. Loved it. Very, um, green. Which is the colour my face turns when I hear the opening fanfare to this dreadful song. It’s in a similar vein to 'Don’t Stop Believin’ in the sense that they’re of the same era and overplayed to oblivion, a hair metal homage to that tune we all knew and loved growing up that went “I know a song that’ll get on yer nerves, get on yer nerves, get on yer nerves….” and so forth. And whilst it may have been inspired by David Bowie’s 'Space Oddity', quite possibly one of the greatest and coolest choons of all time (IT USES A STYLOPHONE FOR GODS SAKE!!), out of all the spacey tunes that hit the top spot in the 80s I think I prefer this (in an ironic way....obviously...)

8. We Are The World- USA For Africa

Oh criminy. This ones about to get me cancelled. Or not, because in fact, the majority of these charity tracks that were released back in ver 80s now regularly have calls to be cancelled on social media, being accused of white saviourism from the politically correct public of the 21st century. Released in 1985 to raise funds for the Ethiopian famine and reaching number 1, this was America's answer to the Bob Geldof (“and Mature, don’t forget Mature, he always gets overlooked") produced Brit Chrimbo banger that is 'Do They Know It’s Christmas'. And whilst this ‘un’s lineup is a bit more internationally star-studded & written by none other than the King Of Pop himself, Sir Michael Of Jackson, it’s like a primary school assembly song with all the fun and nostalgia sucked out of it. The performers themselves even refer to themselves as “children” in it. But of course, it’s Michael Jackson, he did always see himself as a little bit of a miniature, bless his lil white socks. As horrendous as it is, it does win points for inspiring this iconic Spitting Image sketch. 

9. I’m Too Sexy by Right Said Fred

What would happen if the Mitchell Brothers formed a Chippendales style duo and produced some of the most ghastly pop music possible? Right Said Fred that’s what. Long listed as one of the worst groups of all time, before these bald headed bastards were ranging anti- vaxxers, they were all leather clad and singing about their raging libidos. And the result is 'I’m Too Sexy'- a moaning bit of music which sounds like the soundtrack to the world's worst fashion show, complete with a line about cats which definitely isn’t about his much loved moggy. Look, even as a shit pop connoisseur (I just so happen to think 'Blue (Da Ba Dee)' by Eiffel 65 is an absolute CHOON) I can admit this is SHOCKING. 

10. The Power Of Love by Jennifer Rush

In 1985, there were three songs that hit the charts with this tummy-bug inducing title: Frankie Goes To Hollywood’s holy Christmas hit (which despite the religious imagery is actually a bit of a tune), the Back To The Future banger by Huey Lewis & The News. And then we have the musical equivalent of “the runs” by Jennifer Rush, which famously stopped cheekbone synth poppers A-ha from taking the top spot with their top tune 'Take On Me'. It really makes the hairs on the back of your neck stand up- and not in a good way. Rush’s voice shrills and grates like a block of mouldy cheddar you find in the back of the fridge after you accidentally leave it in there when you go off on yer holibobs and you can't help but wish that lift she gets in in the music video plunges to the ground so it’d just stop. 

My journalism career has barely started and I can only assume that I am about to get cancelled, I may well be the Katie Hopkins of the music journalism world. I can only apologise for any offence caused and I’m now off to draft a statement in my notes app. 

Cheers x